Alone, Again

There are moments in life,
Despite the company around us,
We still feel empty and isolated.

There are moments in life,
When all things are here,
But nothing is really near.

There are moments in life,
When we feel alone,
Us, like no one has known.

These moments of life,
Again, show us the singularity,
The solitary, the one and only.

These moments of life,
Remind us that all is impermanent,
All will vanish, in one abolition.

These moments of life,
Tell, around us there is pain,
Because we're all alone, again.

Dedicated to all the foreign medical students in Russia. May you find
peace and goodness in life.

The Tract To Neurosurgery

Have you ever imagined memorising over thousands of anatomical terms and when someone asks you in English or Latin, you know exactly where the body part is located in the human body? The knowledge, my friend, is called the Human Anatomy.

Today I passed my Anatomy control test. It was kinda cool since I passed it without any mistakes. The former surgeon tutor of mine thinks it is a great result. I mean how can I not be on top of the world right now? Do you know where the gyrus frontalis superior or the fasciculus longitudinalis superior et inferior is? Or the plexus choroideus ventriculi tertii et ventriculi quarti?

Welcome to the world of Human Anatomy.

I was astonished how small the airport is. We landed safely but it wasn't the safest landing I guess. The custom officials don't even speak English. How can you consider an international airport international if the personnels are incapable of speaking the international language to international visitors? Well excuse them, they were unintentional. Imagine the inconvenience due to their inconsideration! Simply incredulous!

The Equation Of Life

Song I am listening to now: See You Soon by Zveri (Russian Band).
Things I will do after this: Memorise my Greek-Latin Clinical Terminology.
Things I will do after that: Sleep.
Things I will do early next morning: Attend my Latin class.

A few days ago, the entire Foreign Admissions Faculty revolted. We went into demonstration and missed all classes on that day.

It was comforting, when I realised that my plane from Penang to Kuala Lumpur took about an hour only. Then it was even more comforting after that, to have taken a sit beside my former schoolmate. It was a long flight, from Kuala Lumpur to Bangkok and then to Munich. But the in-flight food was not bad, I kinda enjoyed it. I slept all the way through, and when I woke up we were already soaring above Salzburg, Austria. Bright, white snow on the peak of each mountain. We were pretty close to the Alps, geographically speaking. Then we landed in Munich, and we crossed the ever famous tunnel made of colourful light and ambient noise. I don't know what it is called but I saw it before in DW-TV. And then we took our flight further from Munich to Frankfurt. Then our final time through the skies from Frankfurt to Russia. Wonderful.

I really don't know what my future will be. Do I want to know? Of course not. But sometimes uncertainty makes me feel insecure. Like everyone else. But then again if everything is locked certain, we won't call this life life. We will start calling life a system. Like an equation:

A--->B--->C

But the weird thing about life is that life is asystematic. Nothing in life is predictable. Technically speaking if we can determine all variables, then of course life is certain, but how can we determine the countless variables in this universe?

A--->C--->Z

A, the beginning of life
B, graduation
C, starting a family
Z, equation termination a.k.a death

So who wants to go first?

Romance With A Forward Pang

I am already 21 and nothing has yet sunk into me. How can all these happen? I mean 21 years old is a milestone. 21 years old should be celebrated like the King's birthday or Michael Schumacher's 8th victory. Yet I feel the same.

I didn't know how to leave all of them. I have lived with them. Through the phone or face-to-face, I interacted with them. I felt what they felt. I heard what they said. I saw what they did. And when the time comes to leave the people who were there observing your life all those while, the feeling seemed so new. I was a little bit empty of emotions that day. I don't know if I should be scared, anxious, or even excited. Sometimes when your mind wanders in its own jungle, you can't even find something to think of.

However, I left. I walked through the metal detector. And then everything changed. Like the portal to a new world. A new world it is, indeed.

I can't stand those people who send me ridiculous stories through Friendster. I mean stop the forwarding trend, someone please! Everyone stop the forwarding craze. I hate forwards. I never read them. I got this on Friendster today:

A girl talking to her BF by the roadside)
Girl: Do I ever cross your
mind?
Boy: No...
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really...
Girl: Do
you want me?
Boy: Nope
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: Hell
No...
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: Of coz no...
Girl: Would you do
anything for me?
Boy: No...
Girl: What would you choose: your
life..orme?
Boy: I choose My Life
The girl runs away with such shock
andpain in her heart but the boy runs
after her andshouted
loudly....
"The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind...The reason why I don't like you is because I love you...The reason I don't want you is because I need you... The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left me... The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you... The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you... The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

I mean don't you guys have better things to do? Romance people, is all abour being original. That entire thing sounds so cheesy and corny and everything in between cheesy and corny! Its like a disease, everyone in Friendster probably had read about it by now.

Welcome to the forward revolution.

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

1985- 9th April on a Tuesday morning, I was awakened by my 9 months sleep.
1989- I started to write my ABCs simply by copying my brother's kindergarten work.
1990- Attended my first class of kindergarten/pre-school and cried for 3 weeks.
1991- I unexpectedly scored 2nd highest in my kindergarten exam.
1992- I entered my first day of primary/junior school.
1995- My father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Passed away on the 4th of November.
1996- Moved to the island of Penang and lived in the city of Georgetown with mom and brother.
1997- I scored 4 our of 5 A's in my public exam UPSR.
1998- I entered my first year of highschool at Saint Xavier's Institution.
2000- My grandmother passed away; scored straight A's in my PMR public examination.
2001-Entered the Science stream of senior highschool.
2002- My favorite uncled passed away with hepatoma. Scored 7A's in my SPM (O-levels) public examination.
2003- Entered first year of pre-unversity (A-levels).
2004- Completed pre-university studies.
2005- Moved to Nizhniy Novgorod, Russia and entered NNSMA to study General Medicine.

Yesterday I was 20.
Today I am 21.
Tomorrow __________________ .

Thank you all who had made my birthday surprise party fun. I enjoyed it a lot. Although I must honestly admit, I wasn't all that surprised. Sorry!

I just found out I share the same birthday with Jesse McCartney, Robbie Fowler and S Club 7 hottie Rachel Stevens!

Happy Birthday.

7664 Days

What can all of us do in 7664 days? Here's what I have done in 7664 days:

-Successfully passed all major examinations mainly UPSR, PMR, SPM & STPM.
-Lost a dad, a grandmother, two grandfathers and my favorite grand uncle.
-Lost my bestfriend Teoh Jin Shern.
-Lived in 3 different places: Kuala Lumpur, Penang and Nizhniy Novgorod.
-Achieve a final body height of 185 cm/6 feet.
-Dissected white rats.
-Seen and touched real human internal organs.
-Worn a white lab coat.
-Learned how to drive a car.
-Organised a farewell party attended by approximately 200 people.
-Danced and sang several times on stage.
-Found 5 wonderful long lasting friends.
-Seen and touched snow and ice.
-Experienced -40 C atmospheric temperature.
-Learned English, Malay, Chinese, Russian and Latin language.
-Celebrated 20 birthdays.
-Last but not least, found my official first love- Shari Ann.

There are many more things that I have done in 7664 days but I don't think I can name them all. But all of these have made me who I am today, and I am very proud of it. These small (and big) things have influenced me and made my life fuller and happier, stronger and braver, and definitely wiser; and older!

I just want to thank everyone who had helped, guided, influenced and saved me: My parents Jimmy and Sally, my brother James, my grand uncle Tan Siew Sim, my grandparents, my relatives, my closest friends Aaron, Brendan, Ken, Rhyner and Wellington, my sister Suyuien, my new close friends Suvin, Sevvanthee, Sathia, and Kheng Huat, my teachers and lecturers, my friends generally, and again last but not least my love Shari-Ann, I love you.

I must also extend my gratitude to Lord Buddha, who had been the greatest teacher I have in my life. Without him I will not have gone this far. His words and teachings had saved me from sadness and weaknesses. Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!

Simply thank you everyone.

Medicine Is An Art

So would you even want to know why I am here in Russia? I mean why wouldn't you after reading all that I have written so far? Is it not interesting enough, this life of mine?

It was a fine morning, very sunny in fact. I gazed into this hall filled with cabinets, people and sunlight (of course). I then browsed around for something catchy, but there wasn't any. It was Study in Australia, or Arts and Business Degrees. But then I noticed a small empty spot. I wondered what that was for. Everyone left the hall by 11 morning, but I stayed on. Maybe it was the sunlight, or the boredom. Abruptly this man came out of nowhere and asked me to help him assemble his corner. The empty corner I was talking about. I wanted to say,"I hate to say this sir, but I gotta go...". But then again, I would never have done that to an old man, in his 50's I think. Then I saw the holy grail- study medicine... in Russia. That was like the X-factor...

My friend, RKS just knocked on my door and asked me what he should be studying for tomorrow's bioorganic chemistry test on carboxylic acids. I told him the entire chapter of course, like always.

Being a student of medicine is never easy. I never thought it was easy. I still think it is not easy. But if every man pays his challenges by efforts, and leaves no debts, every man can gain from this business. But not every single man on Earth can study medicine. Because medicine is an art. An art is something subjective to individuality. Art is the meat in one man's meat is another man's poison.

Tomorrow is biophysics day. I will start my day at 9.00 am, starting with an independant research with Professor, M on the light effects and induced ischaemia. And then at 9.40 am I will start my biophysics class, occasionally leaving the class for the continuation of the research work. Then at 12.20 pm I will have my biophysics lecture on electrical fields and its effects on biological membranes. We call it "rat cutting day" because in my research programme with my friend, RKS, all we do is to cut a rat alive, induce ischaemia, shine different lights on its sinoartrial node and monitor its ECG from its leads.

Wake up, Dr. Teoh

"You know, it is very dangerous to go outside here in Australia," I said.

He looked at me with his usual sceptical look, thinking that he is braver than I am. Afterall he is the eldest. The place was purple and pastel blue. The floor carpeted completely with each room beautifully furnished. Each room was placed far from each other and the hallway was wide enough for two cars to drive through. Then I saw my friends sitting in the lobby or a common room of some sort. The "foyer" was properly decorated too and the upper floors which included pool tables, a bowling alley, arcades and many more fun stuff can be seen from here. Outside it was a long straight road, a dusty one delimited by endless orange desert on both sides.

Then I woke up.

I realised that everything here is the same. I realised I don't want to be here today. I don't want to walk the same path I have taken or breathe the same air I had yesterday. I want to be somewhere else. I want to be someone else.

I took an entire day off, contemplating about life, yes, again. But when I recieved a mail from my friend everything changed. He proposed a Mega Reunion. I don't even know why or what made me think differently, suddenly. I realised I am here, I am who I am, I am doing what I am doing because I want to. No one forced me to come here and study medicine. It was no one's dream I am living but my own. Yet I have dreams of being some where else. At the same time I realised the dream of being some where else is a reminder of why I am here, the ultimate reason- my personal dream.

I am living a dream right now. I have always wanted to wear the white lab coat. I have always wanted to become a doctor, and go through all the stages of being a doctor, like being a medical student. I am already here, in my dream, living it. What else do I want? A new dream? No. I need to live it fully.

I just finished replying my friend, and I sheepishly wrote:

Yours sincerely,
DR K M TEOH MD (RUSSIA)

I deleted it off though, knowing the fact that I am not yet a doctor, 5 more years to go. But I am still proud. I have decided to sit back and enjoy the ride. Afterall I am going to be Dr. K. M. Teoh M.D. (RUSSIA).

Rediscovered A Year Later

A year ago when I have typed out my last input in this blog, I did not realise:

-that it would be the last of the year
-that soon I will leave my home for more than a year
-I will also leave everything that I have ever lived with
-I will start a new life

And all of that came true, after my last input. I am now hundreds if not thousands of miles away from home in Russia. I have been here for more than 10 months now, and it has been the longest period of time I have been away from my family, my home.

Everything here seems so foreign. The inability to walk outside without having the thought of insecurity is tiring and exhausting all of us. We cannot do the things we do back at home like riding a bike, take a drive to the beach, or even just stroll in the park. Here in the icy tundra where Vodka meets Sputnik, nothing seems to be fun or colourful at least. Everything is grey reminding us of how sad this country has become after the War.

But it is not their happiness that we need, it is our happiness that they have ripped. How can all of us survive these melancholy? I'd say, simply the thought of home. The thought of going home, seeing the faces of our parents makes us etch a smile on our tired faces, waiting to go home.

Studying in this over-chilled land, forgotten by time, is like fighting a war. Each day, we were waken from a beautiful dream or a wicked nightmare, realising we are still here, still in this battle. And we set out, with a glint in the eye and a tigthened fist, knowing more than anyone else, it is just another day, in another place.

So why am I back blogging? Simply because I have changed, like the seasons of time. Back at home, there is eternal summer which will stall time. It is good because it makes you feel secure, that the sun will always be there for you, that home will always be what you wished and hoped for. It can also be bad because we will never see the other part of the world, and we take for granted that the sun will be up in the morning and set in the evening, never thinking about when the sun will stop shining. In this land however, I have seen the losing of the sun and the gaining, within a huge range of possiblities.

Life is not always what we hope for, but we can work for it. That is my philosophy of life. But it has been too long, a tad too long living in 'exile'. Unfortunately, I did not see all these one year ago, sitting in front of my PC in my room. Now in my other room, in another time another place, I have learned to see where I will be at next year, the same place where I am now.